


shaky hands

by kidlightnings (revolver)



Series: Whumptober 2019 [1]
Category: The Arcana (Visual Novel)
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-02
Updated: 2019-10-02
Packaged: 2020-11-10 16:24:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20854748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/revolver/pseuds/kidlightnings
Summary: Ky learns quickly that adjusting to palace life is a struggle when you're already far too conscious of yourself. Nadia didn't realize how much he was hanging onto.





	shaky hands

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt 01 - Shaky Hands for [Whumptober 2019](https://whumptober2019.tumblr.com/post/187356400823/october-approaches-and-so-does-whumptober-2019)  
Apprentice Ky details can be found [here](https://kidlightnings.tumblr.com/tagged/apprentice-ky) if desired!

Ky waited. He bit his bottom lip. He fidgeted with the sheets, ran the edge of the seam under his nails, back and forth. Everything was a whirlwind, he felt dazed after the events of the prior weeks, and he knew well enough it wasn't over. Slower, but not over. It would never be over. He was disoriented after the easy, lazy, hazy existence he'd drifted through in all the time before. The palace pulled at him, it spread his attention in every direction. Any attention he'd thought he gave himself before was nothing compared to the preening, presenting. Ky had considered himself vain before. Vain, polished, and beautiful. He felt like a filthy little common boy when he tried to style himself now. The clothes he'd prided himself so much on felt quaint, folksy. The materials were rough-spun. The patterns, simple, amateur. He felt as though he carried himself like a packhorse. All of his habits that had once felt carefree, he felt identified him as a simple yokel.

It wasn't Nadia's fault.

If he were just visiting, if he were still a guest, it would be fine. Ky could lose himself in the offices of the clothiers at the palace. If anything, it made him want to learn more in his own work, but the fear of causing embarrassed stayed his hand for anything beyond the most private of dalliances.

He embroidered to calm his nerves, tucked himself in out of the way patios. Delicate leaves, blooms, and the curl of vines and tendrils embellished the edges of so many handkerchiefs. He could vacation here. He could return with yards and yards of material, of work to sell as favors in the shop, he could stroll through the gardens, lush, and beautiful.

He wasn’t a guest. He was a fixture, a part of it all.

Ky's hands were empty and shaking.

“Wait for me in our room,” had lit a smoldering anxiety in his chest.

From the pointed use of  _ our _ , Ky could all but crawl out of his own skin. He was an internal slurry of  _ proud _ as he had never felt in his life, and yet the weight of expectations, he wondered if anyone could hear, or, he thought, mortified, feel his heart beating nearly out of his chest. He was a part of this all, and he was failing, by his estimation. He was cracking plaster, a tacked-on child’s ribbon marring an elaborate tapestry, a stain on the tablecloth.

Ice crawled through his veins.

Ky waited.

It couldn't be  _ our _ , he didn't deserve it. He was a simple, plain magician. He had been a fish in too small of a pond, suddenly thrown into the vast ocean of great creatures who would devour him alive.

He wanted to thread fine colors into pale, papery silk. Saving that, he would settle for stitching his fingers until they couldn't move.

He almost wanted to get up, dash out and back to the quiet life in the shop. He'd explain, he couldn't do this anymore. He’d thought he could.

_ Nadia, I love you, but I'm so afraid, I'm going to ruin everything. I'm not ready. I can't do this. Unless I'm by your side, and even then- _

Ky looked up, eyes wide, at the door parting from its match. The skin of his lip was marred just short of bloody.

“Darling, I hope I didn't keep you waiting-” Nadia started, before taking in his state. “Too long..” she trailed off, and quickly set down everything she'd been carrying to cross to him.

Ky almost couldn't meet her eyes. He was shamefaced to be caught in a spiral. It validated even more how he didn't belong in this oasis of polish, perfection.

“Dear, tell me, what's wrong?”

Along with her words, Ky leaned into her touch against his bare shoulders as she sank into the bed alongside him.

Ky was silent until he could trust his throat not to close up on him, though he opened and closed his mouth a few times, started as though to speak. Nadia was silent, and, blessedly, he thought to himself, didn't stare. He envied her control. Envied it desperately. She was crafted for such a life.

“I don't belong here,” he said, finally. “I'm nobody, I still don't- I'm just slowing you down. You have enough to take care of without having to see to- this. Me. All the time.”

Nadia twined her fingers in his.

“Darling, can I ask you for something?”

Ky looked at her. His eyes were still wide, deeply alert. “Anything,” he said.

Her free hand cupped his cheek.

“Can you let me be the one to determine if you're too much for me to deal with? And can you try to remember that we're both learning how to do this?”

Ky wanted to wilt under the kindness in her tone. His eyes swam. He didn't want it, except that he did, it was like a warm wave seeping under his skin.

“Perhaps I should be more open,” Nadia said, nearly to herself, “about.. how these things feel to me, as well.”

Ky shifted. “You- but you're- it's like you always know what you're doing. Always.”

Nadia laughed, softly, intimately. “Hardly. You should know, I rehearse everything. I don't step into a single one of these terrible audiences without having thought through every possibility. But you, when the court looks at you.. what do you think they see?”

Ky nearly shifted to look down, but found that the gentle grip had a tenacity behind it that kept him facing her.

“I suppose- uptight, uncultured- rigid,” he managed.

Nadia pursed her lips, brushed his hair back from his face.

“And what do you think the court sees when they look at each other?”

Ky smiled despite himself.

“Be brutally honest, darling,” Nadia goaded.

“I- I don't want to say it-” he said, sliding his eyes shut for a moment.

“Nobody can hear you here except for me.”

“Strange. Uncomfortable. A bit less of a mess than they used to be.”

Ky mulled. Everyone was still coming back to themselves. They still had their eccentricities, carryovers from so long spent under a grasping, corrupting influence. Or perhaps they had always been that way, and The Devil had only emphasized it.

Nadia tilted her head. “And do you respect them, individually?”

Ky immediately nodded, emphatic.

“It's been some time, but do you recall meeting them, all of them? And what they thought of you?”

Ky blushed. “I thought they'd carry me away. Except- except Valerius- he hated me.”

Nadia nodded, slow, shallow. “Valerius.. of course you understand him, now.”

Ky made a soft sound of affirmation. His lips parted as though to speak, and his eyes swam.

“I- I see,” he said, softly to himself. He didn’t need her to connect the points.

Nadia moved her fingers against his cheek, slowly.

“You will feel more comfortable, just the same as I will. You won't help that, though, if you assume what I feel for you.. we can take care of each other, if we let each other. Do you know why I asked you to wait for me?”

“No- I thought maybe you wanted me to.. anticipate?” Ky asked, voice uncertain.

“No, it was a mistake on my part, you seemed tired. I had thought to give you some time to recover,” she said, slid her hand down to his shoulder. “Your not feeling able to trust that I'd be honest with you.. I suppose we both must work on it. I'm sorry, dear, to have left you to your thoughts when you needed anything but that.”

Ky sighed. “And- ahh..” he started, tried to steady himself. “I must have seemed so distant- I didn't want to seem too interested, as though I was so impressed.. I didn't want to seem like you had someone so easily taken aback, who had never seen-”

Nadia laughed. “You, easily taken aback? Do you have any idea how much I wanted to fawn like a student, a child, to see a machine so grand? I thought at your lack of interest, perhaps something was the matter with it! Oh, darling.. we both do, truly, need to work on this.”

It was a soft puff of breath that Ky exhaled, relief and exhaustion in equal parts.

“I'm- yes- I want to,” he said.

“We will,” Nadia said, gave him a warm smile.

Ky returned it, his eyes crinkling.

“Now, dear, did you want to get to what I'd planned for you when I walked in?”

Pupils blew wide at the very implication. “Mistress.  _ Please _ .”


End file.
